The Disappointments Room [Review by SpecialK]

Sometimes you walk into a film expecting it to be the most frightening film of the year (ahem—Lights Out) only to walk out an hour and change later feeling quite cheated. Other times—and this happens a lot in the horror genre—you actually expect a film to be terrible, but you’re really secretly hoping to be surprised with some scary takeaways. But neither of these covers my approach to The Disappointments Room.  Not in the slightest. In fact, I expected The Disappointments Room to be just as awful as it turns out to be.

Do you know what that means, fun-loving, pun-loving readers? I can’t even execute all the corny jokes this film was set up to deliver —“I’m sitting in the theater and suddenly realize that it is, in fact, one big disappointments room” or perhaps, “Disappointments room? More like disappointments film,” or my personal favorite, “Disap-point me to the exit, please.” But I can’t in good faith use any of those because I didn’t even walk in secretly hoping it would be good. I knew what I was getting into. And in that way, perhaps unfortunately, it did nothing but deliver.

The Disappointments Room opens as a young couple and their tot of a son are driving through the countryside on their way to their new home. They are clearly choosing to move to the boonies to escape something, but it’s yet unclear what. Mom Dana is played by the naturally stunning Kate Beckinsale, and proves that even the
most beautiful people can look fake and flat out weird when forced by a bad hair team to try Gwen Stefani’s platinum pouf.

An architect, Dana plans to revamp the creepy old country house and goes exploring. She comes across a room that was not in the plans, and learns from a local historian that it is a disappointments room—where disabled children were shuttered away until their untimely deaths. She then runs into some serious problems, and I’m not just talking her out-of-place wardrobe or her lack of believable chemistry with her husband. She loses track of time, starts hallucinating, and can’t shake a fear that something bad will happen to her son.

Her husband David is a stay-at-home dad, or maybe has a job in the city? Really, plot points were not a strong suit of this film.   Anyway, he seems to worry that an unknown sickness Dana has suffered from in the past is returning.

Is she just sick or are there really spirits in the house? What bad situation forced them to try out the fresh country air for awhile? What’s real and what’s not?   Perhaps the better question is—who cares, because there is nary a scary moment in this film.

The visions of spirits come far too soon, far too in-the-flesh, and far too often. The underlying premise is kind of creepy, but the script, acting, and execution all fall short (pssst . . . Ms. Beckinsale, can I call you Kate? Kate, seriously, do you need to talk to someone? Are you going through a rough time? Are you so busy that you had to trust a new, inexperienced agent to review this script for you? Because I honestly can’t even understand how you thought this film had a shot. Still loved you as Emma Woodhouse, and even could handle your other foray into horror in Vacancy. Always here to chat if you need a friend.)

The film’s failure to appropriately build the terror is also heightened by the fact that the spirit villain is played by Gerald McRaney. He does a fine enough job, but his face is so familiar that you spend half the movie trying to remember what you saw him in—no, an IMDB search won’t help—and the other half wondering why even he agreed to this film.

And really, don’t even get me started on the dialogue. Ok, phew, thanks.

I could waste a lot of time and text describing all ways this film was awkward, devoid of any devilishly terrifying moments, and just confusing. But honestly, I’ve made my disap-point. (Come on, I had to throw one in).

SpecialK Verdict: No. Just no.

The Disappointments Room opened September 9.

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