Scream 4 [A Brief Aside by Haus]

Well, Scream 4. I’ve never seen Scream, Scream 2 or Scream 3. I’m also not especially enamored of Wes Craven. I saw Scream 4 because my local theater-pub was playing it and I wanted their pizza. It was late. I was alone. Wait, isn’t this when the killer knocks on the door?

The Scream series, from what I can tell, is a franchise built on a single idea — that characters in a horror film might seek to steer their own fates by cheekily citing genre “rules” as gleaned from other horror pictures. As you might expect, this oh-so-meta experiment fast deteriorates into a pile of self-referential faux-clever rubbish. Yes, I say this without having seen three of the four. I stand by my blind assessment. Call it wrong.

As you can tell, I’m not super into the genre. It doesn’t do much for me. Consequently, you’re unlikely to see many reviews of this type here. But I do feel compelled to comment quickly on Scream 4 simply because Hayden Panettiere is so incredibly freaking hot.

Let’s face it. She was cute in Heroes. Who doesn’t love a cheerleader and all that. I haven’t really seen her since. But here she is in Scream 4, with a short haircut and a Nintendo name (“Kirby”). She is ridiculously beautiful. It’s interesting that certain people’s faces can stop you dead. Again and again. Throughout a noisy trying-too-hard meta slasher pic.

Now I recognize that this is a matter of taste, and an opinion that either you share (correct) or you dispute (hateful and inexcusable), so I won’t try to sell it here. You either see the light or you don’t — but for God’s sake, I was so blinded by it that I gave up on the story and just watched her. Last time I did that was with CZJ in Chicago. I honestly don’t remember in the slightest what that was about. I just stared at her eyes. Same with Scream 4.

Scream 4 was probably rubbish. It looked like rubbish, and had several key hallmarks of rubbish. But it might have been really good. Don’t ask me. All I know for sure is it served up liquid Kryptonite for this here supahman, and I took a heady draught. I was down for the count — she was the January Jones to my James McAvoy, and as Professor Xavier said, “I’m afraid I won’t be much help to you tonight.”

HAUS VERDICT: lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovehaydenlovelovelove