The Sitter is at its best mediocre and mostly just incoherent drivel. It is a film that lacks any sort of identity and scrambles in every direction attempting to find something funny but instead runs into absurdity at every corner.
The film centers on a loveable loser anti-hero Noah (Jonah Hill). Noah is babysitting Slater (Max Records), Blithe (Landry Bender), and Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez) so his mother can go out on a date and he can demonstrate an iota of responsibility. Meanwhile the girl he pines for Marisa (Ari Graynor), and who in turn uses him to every end imaginable, offers him sex in return for some cocaine (I am pretty sure this is prostitution). Hilarity does no ensue.
The Sitter has some major problems figuring out if it is supposed to be a period piece or a modern film. The soundtrack is littered with 1980s rap music. Marisa looks like a girl taken from the marriage of a 1980s John Hughes film and Square Pegs. Marisa’s ex-boyfriend is a kick boxer; complete with fight video, posters, and head band straight from Say Anything. Slater is often seen watching 1980s homo-erotica action scenes. The cocaine dealer has henchmen who look like the real life equivalents of the bad guys from Double Dragon (they even have a sketchy 1980s van and fight with pipes and 2x4s). The cocaine dealer (what’s more 1980s) is a man of excess (aha, yes that is more 1980s) complete with delivering his product in elaborately decorated eggs. Inexplicably there was also a set of characters and scenes that were clearly derived from 1970s Blaxploitation films (how dare I expect coherence).
Now, I know what you’re saying, all that sounds like it could be pretty awesome. Do not be fooled it is not. Sure, there are films that can pull of the retro look flawlessly, but this is not one of those films. The biggest problem is that the film fails to fully embrace its 1980s-ness. Plus, these are not mere references, they are the bulwark of the film. It almost feels like the film was supposed to take place in the 1980s and then part way through the film got a new director. It all felt out-of-place and hokey.
The Sitter is also just not that funny or charming. There are three memorably funny moments. There are a total of four endearing moments, including one with each of the kids. Besides that you mostly have purely absurd situations strung together with uninteresting filler. Minus these few moments, the performances are all really flat.
Plus, it is hard to get into a film where the object of affection is entirely devoid of anything worth chasing after. Now, do not get me wrong Marisa has a look about her. But, she is the coupling of an 80s me-me attitude with a distinctly 21st century trust-fund reality-star sensibility. She is devoid of any admirable personality. Her attitude washes away any appeal her appearance may hold.
Rather than watching this film, find an old school arcade or pizza parlor and play Double Dragon then head home while listening to Biz Markie‘s iconic “Just a Friend” and watch Say Anything. If you want something vapid just turn on some do-nothing-spoiled-rotten reality show or TMZ. I am pretty sure that is precisely what David Gordon Green did while high when he put this film together. I am also pretty sure you will have a more enjoyable experience than if you watch this film.
PARSI VERDICT: An inexcusable incoherent pile of nonsense with the barest hint of humor and charm.
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